Just a reminder, the blog has moved to: Http://losangelessinglemama.com.
Highlights: A new series on Surviving the Holidays as a Single Mom.
Hope to see you there!
Please see us at the new site: www.losangelessinglemama.com
I’m planning a little cocktail get together (at a local establishment) for talk and, obviously, drinks.
Let me know if you’re interested in attending and I’ll send you an Evite.
This event is for single moms only. No children at this particular event.
Recently, Reese Witherspoon made the following comment about being a single mom,
“It isn’t anything I chose in life, it just sort of happened that way,” the Walk the Line Oscar winner, 33, said at Tuesday’s Avon Foundation for Women charity event at New York’s Cipriani 42nd Street, where she was the honorary co-chair. “We all just do the best we can. We’re all just people trying to get through life however we can … I’m thrilled to be any sort of inspiration to anyone!”
I have two immediate thoughts:
- Most people in the world would say they are “trying to get through life however they can”, so that’s not exactly a statement of wisdom in regards to being a single mom
- Her way of just “trying to get through life” is wildly different than most peoples’ “trying to get through life”.
I’ve always liked Reese Witherspoon because she seems intelligent and relatively down-to-earth, unlike many people in the entertainment business. On one hand, I appreciate the fact that she doesn’t go off on a ridiculous tangent about being a single mom in this interview, on the other hand the “trying to get through life however we can” seems silly in that, that’s what we all do, and “trying to get through life” on $20 million a picture is a bit different than “trying to get through life” on food stamps – so the comparison could be seen as insensitive.
Perhaps she meant that she is “trying to get through life any way she can” emotionally. In that regard, as always, I again argue that it’s a lot easier to get through life emotionally with a long-term boyfriend for emotional support and with all the money one could possibly need to reduce the other stresses of being a single mom.
I wonder, do any of these celebrities scoff internally when the media asks them about being a “single mom”? Maybe that’s why Witherspoon gave the “getting through life however we can” answer — it was a silly question (about being a single mom) and this was the best noncomittal answer she could give, off the cuff.
I’m still waiting for the day when just one of these “single mom” celebrities will actually say, “I might be unmarried, but I’m not struggling in the way so many single moms do”. With all the humanitarian causes celebrities like to support, how about one or a group of these “single moms” start an organization to help single moms improve their life — offer grants and services to help single moms obtain job training, child care, emergency funds, and even the basics like food and clothes. One of the commenters on this blog, April, suggested this idea — and I agree with her — just one of these “single moms” starting a “single mom” non-profit to help and raise awareness about the lives of single moms would be an enormous support for the community of single moms who struggle in some way on a daily basis.
How about it celebrity single moms? And the rest of you out there, what do you think?
Simple, but fun, idea for Halloween weekend
Boo at the Zoo takes place this coming weekend, October 31st & November 1st. Activities throughout the zoo, but highlights include:
Creepy Creature Encounter – Get up close to spiders, bugs and snakes at the Creepy Creature Encounter. Saturday and Sunday – 10:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m.
Pumpkin Patch Place – Take photos in the pumpkin patch with pumpkins of all sizes and watch amazing pumpkin carving demonstrations.
Saturdays – 10:30 – 3:00
Sundays – 11:00 – 4:00
Animal Stomp ‘n Chomp – Watch as animals Stomp ‘n Chomp pumpkins!
Saturday & Sunday
11:00 Black Bears
1:00 Gorillas
2:30 Takin
If the video from the Cincinnati Zoo is any indication, I would love to see the animals chomp on some pumpkins!
This is a beautiful, poignant, little video about how it is really tough for single moms sometimes. In it, this single mom is going along through life and finds that she doesn’t has enough food for her baby, then she can’t afford medicine for the baby, then she can’t afford daycare, so she loses her job. She then receives help from a Washington Area Women’s Foundation in the form of food, job training, and daycare, then her life improves.
A few things about this video really touched me (of course, I cried):
1.) the baby’s little legs keep kicking throughout the video: this reminded me that some of the things I think are necessities are things that little ones do not notice or are things that aren’t truly necessities. It also reminded me that children are resilient — despite all of the hardship, he keeps kicking his legs, being a child.
2.) when they are sitting in the house and the heat and telephone disappear: this reminded me of something I experienced, despite it being different than the video, it made me remember that at one time I had very nice things (which I took for granted), I got divorced and all of a sudden I found myself alone, in an apartment, with my child and almost nothing else. That was hard, a “how did I get here?” moment, and that’s what it looks like this mom is thinking throughout the video — “how did this happen to me?”.
3.) how she looks happy throughout all of these tribulations and shocked every time another one happens, then after she is fired from her work, she is walking with her head down, dejected: that just broke my heart…
4.) immediately thereafter, she looks over at these 2 moms (drawn in color, the rest of the video has been in black & white) and they are smiling and laughing together in the park, while she is walking home after losing her job: I remember well struggling so hard emotionally and seeing other moms, together, happy — or seeing intact families, together, happy — that used to bring me to tears and still does sometimes.
5.) after she receives help from the women’s center and her utilities have been restored, she is sitting with her baby on her lap and now his little legs are kicking and he’s babbling at her, while she looks in his eyes, smiles, and then gives him a nose kiss: It reminded me how struggling so much can alter the type of mother you are (and make it difficult for you to be the mom you want to be), because all of your energy is spent on keeping the two of you alive, housed, clothed, and fed.
I think that’s one of the reasons why celebrities who use the “i’m a single mom” phrase really upset me; they have no idea how hard it could actually be for them — and as I mentioned in this post – it’s a lot easier to handle the emotional side of being a single parent and the “going-it-alone” part when one doesn’t have to worry about feeding one’s child and other basic necessities.
Another part that touched me about this particular segment is that it reminded me of a study I once read about how it’s important for a mother to make eye contact and engage her child in order to raise a psychologically healthy child — and seeing this baby just light up when his mom could really listen to him, made me cry even harder.
6.) Last, I loved when our heroine took the initiative to offer friendship and help to another struggling single mom and her daughter — they were almost an even sadder picture than the main character, because the child of the new woman we see, is elementary age and she appears as sad as her mother — so I loved when the main character reached out to her to help.
I was very moved by this video. I think it well illustrates what life is like for many single moms. That it then shows that life can be good again with help, and that there are people to help was comforting. It reminded me that it’s important to reach out and ask for help when you need it.
What do you think?
struggle (chess 1)
I am really struggling today. I’m afraid I’m going to lose my job and I’m a nervous wreck. There have been a lot of layoffs and rumors that there will be more.
Thinking about what I would do if I was laid off, I had a mini panic attack — not the kind where you think you’re going to die, but the hyperventilating, and feeling like you’re outside of your body, yet edgy at the same time.
I am looking for a new job, but it’s going slowly. Because of my worry and uncertainty, I don’t feel confident and I know that’s what I’m broadcasting — not only in interviews, but also to the world.
I looked at my finances and realized I have about enough money to last 4 months if I am not working. That scares me.
I looked into social services, but don’t seem to qualify because I have too much money in the bank, yet it’s only enough to last a few months
I’m so tired of having to take care of everything myself, so tired and so worried about how my child grows up, always feeling like I’m not giving him enough — enough time, enough patience, a nicer place to live…. I’m weary.
My girlfriend said, “You have to believe that you’re going to get that job. You need to think and act like you already have it. Why aren’t you doing that?”
It’s not my personality. I am timid when I’m worried about not being good enough — somewhere I think I’m a fraud.
My friend said, “You’re pulling all sorts of negativity towards yourself. That’s not doing you any good.”, which made me think of The Law of Attraction. I’m not sure I believe it and in some ways actually find it offensive, but am going to investigate — maybe it will change my attitude and I’m for whatever can do that.
Right now, I’m going to try to clean out some clutter. I feel like I’m in control when the house is clean.
In a recent Ivillage interview, this exchange took place,
“So, how does the single mom manage to raise a baby and keep up with her career? “He just goes with me everywhere,” she says. “Babies fit into your life. They really do.”
I wrote in “Who is a Single Mom? Part One: The Celebrity” that celebrity single moms should not use the term “single mom” to refer to themselves, because in our society the phrase “single mom” means something. ”Single Mom” suggests a woman who is primarily going it alone – emotionally, financially, and is the one ultimately responsible for the child in every way; she is also struggling to make all those parts work together successfully.
While a celebrity mom may be going it alone emotionally, they generally aren’t struggling financially, and because they aren’t struggling financially, they don’t really experience the stress of your typical single mom — the celebrity mom can buy herself out of the majority of problems a typical single mom has.
Being able to buy oneself out of most of the single mom stresses — like who’s going to watch your child and if that caregiver is good enough, and whether or not you can afford the bills this month and put food on the table, etc. — allows a wealthy mom a lot more time and emotional energy to spend on the “going-it-alone” issues. The peace of mind that comes from eliminating the practical problems, lessens the impact of the emotional issues.
I suggested that celebrity single moms add a caveat when they are asked about being single moms; they should acknowledge they are a “single mom”, yet don’t really have the struggles a typical single mom has, despite them both being unmarried.
In this case with Minnie Driver, although she didn’t use the disclaimer I would have liked, I do have more of an inclination now to blame the media more than the celebrity. Why is the media even asking the “single mom” question? They know that celebrity single moms have little in common with the typical single mom, yet they ask anyway.
They ask because they believe it humanizes the celebrity, makes them seem “just like everyone else” when the public (and the media) knows they are not. This helps the media sell more magazines and gain more TV viewers. So while I still think the celebrity single mom should mention that she has it easy compared to your typical single mom, I also blame the media for asking a ridiculous question in the first place.
Finally, kudos to Minnie Driver for taking her baby with her everywhere. I’m happy for her and her son; most moms would love that opportunity.
If you want to celebrate Halloween early and often, there are two Halloween activities you can attend this weekend – one for Saturday and one for Sunday!
Saturday
Harvest Festival at Good Shepherd Lutheran School
When: October 24th from 11am – 5pm
Where: 6338 N. Figueroa St Los Angeles, 90042
Phone: (323) 255-2786
Cost: Free
Come in Costume for games, bake sale, pumpkin painting, face painting, raffle, food, prizes and a haunted house!
Sunday
Toddlerfest ’09 Halloween Event
When: October 25th from 10am – 3pm
Where: YMCA Simon Meadow Temescal Canyon, Pacific Palisades
Phone: 310-920-7701
Cost: Presale Tickets. Presale ends Oct. 23rd. Family of 3 package $25 includes one goody bag. Each additional child is $3. Each additional adult $10 includes goody bag
At the door: Family of 3 package $35 includes one goody bag. Each additional child $5 includes one goodie bag. Each additional adult $12 includes one goodie bag.
$7 parking pass.
Activities:
Come in Costume! Pumpkin Patch, Moon Bounce, Trick-or-Treat Parade, Treasure Hunt, Live Jazz and Children’s music, Native American Storytelling, Native Wildlife Discovery, Fall Harvest Gardening, and more. For a schedule of activities, click here.
With all the recent celebrities in the news either proudly exclaiming they are a single parent, or woefully asserting their solidarity with other single moms, it got me thinking about the definition of a single mom.
Recently, Uma Thurman said,
“Being an actress doesn’t mean I’ve not gone through every bit of what it takes to have and raise children,” said the Kill Bill star, who has two children with ex-husband Ethan Hawke. “I raised my kids in New York City.”
“They’re seven and 11, not infants any more, but I’ve pushed those strollers in the streets.”
“Trying to raise kids on your own is not easy. It’s why I haven’t worked as much as I should or could have. It’s why I haven’t made a film in a year. But let’s face it, whoever you are, a girl’s got to make a living.”
It’s true, being an actress does not mean she hasn’t gone through “every bit of what it takes to have and raise children” (woe is her, she had to push her own stroller in the streets of the most expensive city in the world), but it does mean she hasn’t gone through every bit of what it takes to be a single mom.
The phrase “single mom” implies being, (for the most part), the only responsible parent. It implies that you are the parent making the decisions, deciding whether the kid has to go to the ER in the middle of the night or whether that cough can wait until the morning, deciding if the child needs extra help in school or whether tutoring can wait until you can more readily afford it. Being a single mom suggests having to take it all on yourself, not only the decisions, but the finances as well – being the one who has to figure out how to pay that ER bill, along with put food on the table, and pay for childcare. Being a single mom suggests having a hard time juggling it all – who’s going to watch your child when they have a half-day and you can’t take the day off of work? What are you going to do if you have to travel for work or you have to work late hours? Who will help?
Yet there are “single moms”, who are technically single, because they are not married; however, they know what the phrase “single mom” means in our society, but they use it anyway. It was said in a recent Reese Witherspoon interview,
“Reese concedes that she sometimes struggles to balance her career with the demands of being a single mom-of-two. “I love my life without work and I love my life with work,” she says.”
I just don’t accept the fact that two of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood struggle balancing their careers with the “demands of being a single mom..”, and if they do – they don’t struggle in the same way a single mom does. If nothing else, a “single mom” who is wealthy can buy herself out of most of the difficulties of being a single mom. First, actresses have months at a time when they aren’t working. Most single moms I know would love to have more than 2 weeks off a year. Second, wealthy “single moms” can hire the best childcare including a live-in nanny who is always there, and who can bond with and care for the children as if they were her own. Third, the wealthy “single mom” can rest assured knowing that her child is well taken care of when she cannot be with them. Most single moms I know don’t have the type of childcare they would prefer for their child, but their child needs to be somewhere when they have to work – and it has to be somewhere they can afford.
Then there was a recent quote from Kelly Rutherford, star of the TV show, Gossip Girl,
“I’m a single mother with no child support. I have to work.”
If she says so, I certainly believe she has to work, but let’s not kid ourselves, what she makes on one episode of Gossip Girl is probably twice what the average family makes in one year. If that is the case, then she may be dealing, like many of us with a custody battle and an ex with whom she can’t get along, but she is not struggling for money. Not struggling for money, and therefore childcare, makes the life of a “single mom” fairly easy in comparison to moms who do struggle for money.
So what should unmarried celebrity moms call themselves — perhaps “unmarried”? However what I would most like to see them say is something to the effect of,
“Yes, I’m a single mom; I’m not married. I can’t compare myself or my situation to the millions of women who truly struggle with being a single mom. I have a lot of advantages that they don’t. That makes my life a lot easier than that of a true single mom.
So use the phase “unmarried mom” or make a disclaimer statement, but don’t use the word single with the word mom, because you might be unmarried, but you aren’t a single mom.
